Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
