5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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