I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
