woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
