Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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