that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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