I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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