we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
