dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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