I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
