What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
