i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
