Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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