Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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