i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
