It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
