Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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