rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
