i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
