Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You have to summon your inner elephant
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
