yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
