Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
There's always time for handjobs
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize