If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
