I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
