i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
