The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
