Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize