I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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