He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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