and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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