Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
