I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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