Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
