mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
