Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
