Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
