She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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