By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
