I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
