Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
