I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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