he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
accomplished twins. life is a go
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
