My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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