Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
