I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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