I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I faked an abortion last night.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
