Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
