pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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