That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
