Your dad touched me again.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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