Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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