so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize