don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
