I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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