Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
