Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize