I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
