he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
