apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
