her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize