I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
