you have to choose: penises or morals?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize