arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
