Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
