what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
