I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I don't deserve a penis
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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