Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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