The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
