I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
