dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
