Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
