Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
