I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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