im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
