Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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